OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre couldn’t contain his glee today upon hearing the news that Donald Trump plans to enact a 25% tariff on Canadian goods as soon as he takes office.
“Our largest trading partner increasing the price of all of our goods by a quarter? That… that has the potential to tank our entire economy,” Poilievre said, grinning so widely we had to briefly stop our interview until he could force his face back to normal, or at least as normal as his face gets.
“This is fantastic news. For me.”
While he’s confident that Justin Trudeau will be unable to meet Trump’s demands of stopping all illegal drugs and undocumented individuals from entering the United States, because those demands are literally insane, Poilievre nevertheless knows it’s highly possible that Trump will either forget about this punitive tariff plan at some point in the next two months or will be forced by Republican business interests to change it to a more focused tariff on a single Canadian product that’s already unpopular in the United States, such as ketchup chips, butter tarts, or Drake.
But Poilievre isn’t going to let Trump’s mercurial madness stop him from enjoying the prospect of Trudeau happening to be in charge when Canada enters a profound economic downturn caused by forces far beyond the control of any Canadian prime minister.
“I managed to convince a large number of Canadians that Trudeau’s carbon tax is somehow to blame for Canada experiencing the same inflation most countries are going through, and which has actually been worse in the U.S. for the last five years. So convincing people that it’s somehow Trudeau’s fault that Trump has unilaterally decided to crater Canada’s economy should be a piece of cake,” Poilievre explained, getting so excited his contacts popped out.
The interview then had to be paused again while Poilievre giggled continuously for a little over three minutes.
“Sorry about that, I was just thinking about how the dollar is going to plummet. Ooh, maybe I’ll call it ‘Justin’s Destruction’.”
“There is going to be so much suffering in this country in a couple months. This is one of the best days of my career.”
At press time, Poilievre was assuring a group of angry young men that Trudeau is the reason women think they’re creepy and as soon as Poilievre becomes prime minister, they’ll all be issued government girlfriends.
