OTTAWA – Housing Minister Sean Fraser has expressed concern that his government may not be able to fix the nation’s housing crisis in a way that will make literally everyone happy.
“It’s really disheartening,” lamented Fraser. “I’ve been hearing a lot lately about how people are upset with the housing situation in Canada, so I figured ‘Why not try to fix it?’ But, it seems like every time I come up with a solution, there are some people who DON’T like it! What gives?”
The Minister would go on to detail how his efforts here met by several baffling turns along the way. “So a bunch of people were saying that they can’t buy houses because the prices are too high, right? Big problem! So I’m thinking, what if we LOWERED the price of houses? Pretty slick, eh?”
However, Fraser explains he soon discovered there would be consequences for such his initial price-lowering action. “It was so weird, all of a sudden a bunch of people were saying ‘If you lower housing prices, then the price of MY house will be lower!’ And they were super cheesed off about it!”
Choking back tears, the Fraser continued to detail his bind. “I swear I’m in some kind of Twilight Zone where every action comes with some kind of consequence. I proposed lowering rents, and landlords were unhappy! I thought maybe we could ask construction companies to charge less, and their response? Decidedly negative!”
“I even suggested preventing non-resident money laundering, and suddenly I’m hearing banging on my door from lobbyists at the Association of Non-Resident Money Launderers!”
After calming down, Fraser continued outlining his final legislative effort. “I finally floated the idea of cutting down on investment properties, and literally every MP beat me up at parliamentary recess.”
