Highlights of U.S. Election Day

Every four years Canada and the world get to nervously watch while we wait to see what fresh hell the United States will unleash upon the world. But given America’s unique (aka a product of slavery) electoral system, The Beaverton thought it would be helpful to provide a timeline of how the day will go. (all times EST)

12am: Dixville Notch, New Hampshire holds its election, carrying on a centuries old tradition of people laughing at the name Dixville Notch.
7am: Polls open in many states. Millions of young, likely Democratic voters, wake up and are shocked to discover it is Election Day. They wonder why no media or celebrities told them to make a plan to vote.
1pm: Twitter “election experts” make snap judgment on voter turnout so far and decide that Trump has definitely won/lost/been declared Emperor for life.
5pm: Wolf Blitzer begins loosening up his ‘CNN has a new projection to make’ muscles
7pm: Polls begin closing. Trump announces he has won and also is suing anyone who says he didn’t.
8pm: With Florida, Georgia and North Carolina’s quick reporting, viewers now have a good sense whether we are headed for a Biden electoral landslide or a long, drawn out fight over mail in ballots from the Midwest. This is likely the point in the night when the drinking intensifies. We suggest ‘changing electorate’ as your ‘drink every time it’s said’ word.
9pm: Half of twitter very mad. Half of twitter very happy. Facebook still showing you a post by your old hockey team mate from last Friday.
10:30pm: As results slow down CNN throws to it’s panel of analysts. They all find that the results of the election clearly support the 2 to 3 talking points they have been making for the last 6 months.
12am: Polls close in California, the most populous state in the Union. In a popular vote election this would be the most crucial moment of the night. No one notices.
7am: People who went to bed early get to experience the entirety of election night terror in the brief moments it takes them to turn on their phone, open news app.
Unknown Time: World gets better maybe?