MONTREAL – Time and space as we know it was thrown into temporal flux today as protestors pulled down a statue of Sir John A. MacDonal, causing Canada’s first prime minister to be suddenly erased from the entire timestream.
“The 4th dimensional walls of reality are threatening to collapse in on themselves,” said Sgt. Jean-Luc Branent, of the Montreal Police. “With this one statue no longer left to commemorate him, Prime Minister MacDonald has permanently erased from the chronostream! He no longer appears in any of our history books, museums, films, or records, because he was never born!”
“Run! Run for your lives from the quantum timequake,” screamed Branent as he outraced a shimmering wall of 4th dimensional energy unleashed by the felled statue.
According to temporal astrophysicists, the moment this particular J.A. MacDonald statue was toppled it caused a chain reaction which instantly blinked the 19th century Scotsman and politician from existence. “Without that statue we have absolutely no way of knowing whether he even existed at all,” explained Dr. Eileen Singh from the University of Waterloo Chronal Anomalies Department.
“It will be the same quantum cataclysm that followed the toppling of Confederate statues, which erased… whoever it is that lost the Civil War. They’ve been unmade as well! Great Scott!” Dr. Singh exclaimed.
“These protestors are destroying our history – literally,” said talk radio caller Dennis March, 46. “Without a statue of someone, how will we remember they were alive? Or how will the delicate balance of the the space time continuum in all its myriad dimensions be maintained?”
March then blinked instantaneously out of existence, due to the fact that he is a descendant of the recently-erased MacDonald.
While protestors acknowledged their desire to denounce Prime Minister MacDonald, they claim they were completely unprepared to unwrite the temporal record. “We just wanted to highlight MacDonald’s role in historical Aboriginal genocide,” exclaimed protestor Francois Manafret. “We had no idea that the only thing keeping historical figures anchored in the fabric of reality itself was these modern day statues.”
Manafret added solemnly, “I guess our only option to keep the whole of reality from collapsing into a black hole will be to forever guard all statues of every racist, slaveholder, and Conrad Black, until the end of time.”
