OTTAWA – In a Facebook Live press conference, Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam released numbers based on dynamic modeling that project the end of self-isolation will be a sopping wet, free-for-all, dong-swinging, clit-sucking, bone-a-thon.
“Once restrictions are lifted, our models predict people will be 69-ing 24/7,” stated Dr. Tam.
Public health experts say these are important numbers to keep in mind as single Canadians weather the lockdown.
“We have to focus on flattening curves, so we can get back to riding them,” assured Dr. Tam, winking suggestively to the audience of journalists.
However, others are cautioning that the “epic dick down” will come with its own set of problems.
“At its peak, we’ll be seeing people reach climax several times an hour,” cautioned the Deputy Minister of Health Dr. Stephen Lucas. “Extrapolate that on a nation-wide level and factor in scenarios like orgies… and the numbers are truly staggering.”
Lucas predicts the end of self-isolation will bring about a new set of public health issues like an increase in STIs, unwanted pregnancies and severe face-sitting related injuries.
The Canadian Chiropractic Association is already preparing resources in anticipation of the record number of backs being blown out.
Until social distancing measures are lessened, single Canadians are advised to continue with coping mechanisms such as video chat dates, pornography, and forming meaningful emotional connections with Animal Crossing characters.
