THUNDER BAY — Despite cold temperatures, forecasts of snowy squalls, and the fact that the Sleeping Giant Provincial Park camping season ended over a month ago, local crazy person Eric Wear has invited you to go camping this weekend.
“It’ll be great! We can hike in Friday evening, set up our tarps, cook brats over the fire! Then we’ll spend the next couple days hiking the loop”, said the clearly disturbed man. “We’ll need to hike fast to outrun that snowstorm that’s coming, though. Pack your best pair of crampons, just in case!”
So far the lunatic’s plans include waking up at 5:30 AM for an early start each day, swimming in the lake, and practicing makeshift splints. He has also been watching a lot of Naked and Afraid recently, and is interested in something called “damp camping”, or “damping”.
“It’ll be great for building character,” said the man who would not be out of place in a padded cell. Projections suggest the opposite, and in fact predict that it’ll be great for learning how to start a fire with wet matches and then burning holes in your socks as you try to dry them out.
Experts say the best tactics to avoid the camping weekend include claiming you have a family emergency, leaving town for a week, or setting fire to Eric’s car. However, some experts warn Eric might just reschedule to next weekend, and your best course of action is to shoot yourself in the foot through a sandbag.
With the weekend fast approaching, Eric has reminded you to let your loved ones know where you’re going, because he doesn’t really have anyone who would notice if he went missing.
