OTTAWA – After presidential candidate Donald Trump remarked that the Canadian healthcare system was “catastrophic,” experts at Health Canada say Trump’s constant sniffling could easily be taken care of by Canada’s healthcare system at no personal cost to him, if he were a citizen.
“Highly distracting sniffing, like he did during the debates, could be a symptom of any number of things,” said Dr. Nicola Lakowski, an emergency room physician in Ottawa.
“Sniffling and other symptoms of the common cold would be covered,” added Dr. Lakowski. “As would a repetitive tick caused by nervous stressors, recent consumption of cocaine, or a deviated septum – all of these could be diagnosed and treated within every one of our province’s socialized medical insurance plans.” She then added that if the problem was dental in origin, then Mr. Trump would have to pay out of pocket or through his private insurer.
In addition to Trump’s physical health, Canadian mental health care professionals have also noted that he could easily access government-funded treatment for any number of issues, including anger management, compulsive lying, paranoid thoughts, and narcissistic personality disorder. However, some Canadian professionals said that – even if this country’s mental health coverage weren’t dangerously strained – Trump’s various pathologies may be too much for Canadian medicine to handle.
While several physicians noted that Trump’s sniffling was probably very simple to treat, they conceded that if a battery of tests came up negative, they would then have to rule out cancer. This would then require an MRI scan, meaning Trump would have to wait several months for his appointment, at which point it would potentially be too late.
At press time, Hillary Clinton may or may not have survived her pneumonia if she went to a Canadian hospital and contracted C Difficile.
