CALGARY – During an outdoor campaign rally security rushed a shaken Pierre Poilievre to safety after he was tragically struck by a lone journalist’s question.
“Mr. Poilievre was unharmed by the question, but remains badly shaken up,” explained Mike Lattimmer, of Poilievre’s private security detail. “Our guards had swept the area for any lone wolf reporters who might try to confront Mr. Poilievre with a substantive question, but one appears to have escaped from the media crate.”
Eyewitnesses report that Poilievre was in the middle of his twenty-fourth mention of the “lost Liberal decade” when the rogue question managed to break through his security detail. Security immediately shielded him from any further journalistic danger, though Poilievre himself was filmed raising his fist in a gesture to his supporters and yelling “FIGHT!”
Poilievre then added “…any journalists who ask me questions that haven’t been carefully pre-scripted and rehearsed!”
Reporters on the scene had difficulty capturing the attack itself, given that they had been locked inside holding pen in the rally’s overflow parking lot one kilometre away.
A TikTok video from the scene depicts the incident, with the question coming from an as-of-yet unidentified senior Canadian journalist, who remains at large. The reporter’s query can clearly be heard as “Sir, can you define what ‘woke’ means beyond just vague fear-mongering?”
As soon as the direct question is asked, Mr. Poilievre can be seen falling to the stage, clutching his ear in agony.
With only four days left in the federal election campaign, conservative campaign insiders have denounced any media figures armed with “radically unfair questions meant to force Pierre to reveal his true intentions for Canada.”
“Just imagine if that maniac journalist had violently attacked Mr. Poilievre with a question about how his housing plan is really just a giveaway to private housing corporations,” exclaimed chief campaign advisor Jenni Byrne. “The entire Left, and specifically Carbon Tax Carney, have blood on their hands, in a wholly metaphorical sense.”
“This kind of despicable affront never would have happened if we were granted all of the journalist spots on the campaign,” noted Ezra Levant of Rebel Media. “We would only ask decent questions, like ‘Is it true that Justin Trudeau is the antichrist’ and ‘Mr. Poilievre, how did you get so handsome?'”
Within hours Conservative candidates were seen wearing large bandages on their ears, not out of solidarity for Poilievre, but to protect themselves from hearing any journalists’ questions.
Meanwhile, after being rushed to hospital emergency room doctors reported that Pierre Poilievre’s condition was entirely stable, despite his ego suffering a dangerous level of bruising.
