TORONTO — It’s that time of year again; The lights are shining, the snow is falling, and “woke moralists” are forcing me to say “Happy Holidays”. But this year I’m taking a stand. I won’t say it! Because I’m just simply not happy.
Sure, the lights are shining. Directly into my bedroom window. Since all my neighbours seem to have made a pact to purchase nothing but one thousand megawatt blue LED bulbs. The snow is falling? Yeah, and so am I. The city hasn’t plowed the sidewalk for any of the 12 days of Christmas.
Now I consider myself a progressive, but I agree with the Conservatives on one thing; we need to keep the Christ in Christmas. Because Jesus Fucking Christ am I tired of trying to choose a gift for my dad for the 35th year in a row. Plus if everyone’s focused on the “Christmas” part, it really would de-emphasize the whole “merry” thing.
So, as “Happy Holidays” enthusiasts celebrate with their rum and egg yolk drink, raise a glass of your finest bitters, as I present my list of alternative Christmas greetings:
5. Crappy Holidays
Now that’s the spirit!
4. It’s December!
Can’t argue with that.
3. Melancholy Month
Finally a greeting I can live up to.
2. You’ll-Never-Be-Able-to-Recreate-the-Christmases-of-Your-Childhood-and-There’s-Nothing-You-Can-Do-About-It Navidad
An instant classic.
1. Season’s Greetings
What season? What greeting? This perfect holiday greeting says almost nothing at all. Just the way I like it.
