GENEVA — The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change put out a statement today advising potential parents to only create and rear as many children as they believe they’ll feasibly be able to consume.
“We need climate strategies that are practical and that anyone can do,” said IPCC chair Jim Skea at a press conference. “This one should be particularly welcomed, given how expensive groceries already are.”
“So please take an honest inventory of how many of their little bodies your appetite warrants,” Skea continued. “Even a partially grown human provides a fair amount of meat, especially if you don’t mind eating the less delicious organs, like the brain. And if you calculate your rate of reproduction right, you won’t have to deal with the frustration of wasting your time and resources on a child who just gets gobbled up by a band of desperate, spindly marauders.”
“Also, have some consideration for people with no kids, either by choice or circumstance. They’ll be living on spiders and dandelions, while you barbecue your succulent progeny.”
Skea concluded his remarks by advising parents to also stock up on condiments. “Humans are pretty close on the evolutionary tree to pigs, so I’d buy cases of mustard, Tabasco, applesauce — anything you like on pork products. Otherwise the rump-steaks who used to be your kids will still nourish you, but the whole exercise will be depressingly bland.”
In related news, the UN recommended that people develop gills and the ability to digest plastic.
