EDMONTON – A local woman who has made hating Canada her entire personality has become Premier of Alberta after winning the provincial election.
Danielle Smith, a lifelong Canadian citizen born in Calgary, has spent decades carefully crafting every aspect of her personality, interests, opinions and daily activities around hating Canada and everything it stands for, “except for xenophobia, climate change denial, and the part where we take rights away from innocent people. I’m totally cool with that stuff.” Smith relayed in an interview earlier today.
“It all began in my teens, just like it does for most girls,” Smith said of her lifelong quest for relevance. “Some become pumpkin spiced latte girlies and make that their thing, but I decided to focus on being the absolute worst.” Smith continued as she signed a bill that “blamed the libs” for everything. “I would say I have it down to an art form, if I wasn’t planning on axing arts funding province-wide next week!”
“I’m all for pulling the ladder up behind me. It’s been a family tradition for generations!” claimed Smith, who grew up benefiting from social housing, inexpensive university tuition and a booming economy. “I’m just so excited to make sure nobody in this godforsaken country ever gets to experience the advantages that I had, ever again!”
Smith has spent many hours combing through Reddit threads, the Op Ed section of less reputable newspapers, and any media owned by Rupert Murdoch, honing to perfection her unadulterated disdain for every living being in our society. In doing so, she has truly found her niche advocating for policies that maximize Covid deaths both provincially and federally, engaging with public health campaigns promoting the health benefits of cigarettes, and claiming to be pro-choice while actively aligning with borderline Christo-Fascists hell-bent on dismantling women’s rights one piece of legislation at a time.
“I like to surround myself with people who are hard workers, capable leaders, and sociopaths willing to do as much damage to the country as legally possible,” said Smith, after posing for a photo op with a group of school board trustees lobbying to remove all sex education from public school curriculums.
