By The Beaverton Editorial Staff, aka Supreme Rulers of Truth and Fact
Greetings subjects! As you may have read, back in the Before Times when factual news articles weren’t yet banned from this social media site, Canadians will no longer have access to news content on Facebook and Instagram. What that means is that the Beaverton is now the closest thing on Facebook to actual news, and as a result we have immediately gone mad with power.
Tremble before our questionably-accurate hot takes on the day’s parliamentary and hockey news! TREMBLE!!!
(also, yes, we know that some of you might be reading this editorial via Twitter, or Reddit, or even through the Beaverton website if you’re extremely old. But we know for a fact that barely any of you read our content through those sites, and that most of our traffic comes through Facebook. Trust me, we check our own analytics obsessively)
While Bill C-18, the Online News Act, was designed with the aim of having social media companies take a more responsible role in how news is shared online, Facebook chose to ban news links entirely. This then had the unintended effect of elevating our ridiculous website to a position of godlike authority over the news that reaches Canadians’ eyes.
From here on out Facebook will have no more CBC News, no more CNN News, heck, no more Rebel News, and they’re way more fake than we’ve ever tried to be! Serves them right for calling themselves “news” instead of a “primarily online Canadian news satire publication”, which is what we technically are, which is why we’re now the only game in town!
WE CONTROL HOW YOU PLEBEIANS PERCEIVE THE WORLD!!! YOU CANNOT RESIST!!!
Roughly 98% of Canadians get their news exclusively from Facebook (a fact that we just made up, but since we’re the only ones left posting on this website, is now absolute truth). We decide what Canadians will believe happened in the news. If we decide that Pierre Poilievre ripped a loud fart during Question Period, or that Justin Trudeau ripped a loud fart during Question Period, or that, I dunno, some other dude ripped a loud fart in Question Period… (note to self: learn more examples of politicians) Anyway, the point is we can say that anything we want happened, and it’s probably gonna be fart-related, and you unwashed masses will have to read it and take it at face value.
So gaze upon us, your benevolent rulers of accuracy and fact, and despair at how we shall now shape your day to day perceptions (or, since we’re talking Facebook, your aunt’s day to day perceptions). We shall attempt to use our awesome power only for good, unless we conjure up with a funny headline where Pierre Poilievre and Justin Trudeau both rip a loud fart, in which case, in which case that nonsense shall become immutable fact.
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