OTTAWA – A recent Angus Reid study has confirmed that Canadian voters are not sure who they will support in the next election, and are willing to give their support to whichever candidate promises to slap Loblaws CEO Galen Weston Jr smack in the kisser for what he has done to our food prices.
“I’ve been a die hard Conservative my whole life,” said Alberta resident Jack Barnes. “But if Jagmeet Singh agrees to risk jail time and a civil suit by slapping Weston and saying ’37 dollars for some fucking chicken!’ then I will go say yes to socialism faster than Tommy Douglas said yes to eugenics.”
“If he agrees to do it during the filming of a Loblaws commercial then I’ll knock on doors for him!”
The poll found that 57% of Canadians were willing to switch their vote to whoever played front hand, back hand with Weston’s smug face. The other 43% said it wouldn’t necessarily change their vote, but they would watch the clip repeatedly.
“At this point it’s clear that no politician will actually stop Loblaws and other businesses with near monopolies from price gouging, so I’ll settle for some Instant Karma and a nice ring indent on Galen’s cheek,” said Toronto resident Marlee Polinski.
Other issues that the study found would swing votes included a plan to stop the Shaw-Rogers deal, a commitment to ban Pizza Pizza from describing its product as ‘pizza’ and a guarantee that when Zellers comes back, it brings the diners back too.
Reached for comment the Liberals and NDP immediately announced a plan to phase in a slap to Galen Weston’s face gradually over the next 5 years. The Conservatives announced that they would not slap Weston due to concerns that it could lead to attacks on other people with extremely slappable faces, but did not specify who.