LETHBRIDGE – According to sources embedded in The Bean Machine, all of the coffee shop’s patrons groaned when they saw an employee open a cupboard and remove a microphone stand.
“I figured she was just getting some more napkins or something, but then I saw the stand come out and a shiver went down my spine,” said Laura Baker. “Can’t I eat my croissant and work in peace?”
As soon as the audio equipment emerged, customers began scanning the shop’s bulletin board for any hint of what they were in for. While posters for upcoming improv nights, interfaith dialogues, and something called ‘Cappuccinos Under Capitalism’ induced revulsion, no immediate answers were gleaned.
“I could probably stomach a few minutes of crappy folk music, but if it’s stand-up I’m walking out,” said Anthony Point. “Last week I was in the microbrewery next door when they sprung something called ‘Masculinity Monologues’ on me and I had to abandon a perfectly good wheat ale.”
The already nervous customers were further startled when what they thought was a wall started folding down. As an employee began running power cables across a stage that had materialised out of nowhere, the customers rushed to grab to-go cups and boxes for their coffees and sandwiches.
While customers have been steadily trickling out, a few brave souls are sticking around in the increasingly vain hope that they can scarf down their food and drink before the coffee shop unleashes whatever inane horrors it has planned.
“I just want to read a goddamn book and suddenly there’s a whole-ass stage where my favourite nook should be,” said Brayden French. “Now I have to go back home and try to hear myself think over my roommate’s Property Brothers marathon.”
At press time, an employee sparked a mad dash for the exit among the remaining customers by stepping up to the microphone and starting a sound check while holding a tambourine.