TORONTO, ON – Citizens were overjoyed when earlier this week, the New York Times ranked Toronto as North America’s third-largest hub of tech douchebags, nouveau riche jerkoffs, and self-important manchildren.
With Toronto hot on the heels of douchebag hubs like New York and the Bay Area, the news represents a major benchmark for the city’s long-held ambition to become a locus for Peter Pan Syndrome Jimmy Neutron-headed A-holes. The city has been trying for years to shed its reputation as a world-class hub of arts and culture, and for many, this ranking represents a step in the right direction.
“My family and I left everything we had to start a new life in Toronto,” said Bloordale resident Layla Choon. “Now, after all these years, we finally have a reason to be proud.”
What’s more, statistics point to Toronto’s tech workforce growing faster than any hub in the United States. This rapid growth is likely due to the city’s diverse douchebag climate and high douchebag density – something which smaller, chiller cities like Chicago, Seattle, and Washington, D.C. struggle to match.
“Our greatest strength has always been our incredible diversity,” said mayor John Tory. “It’s only fair that the tech sector is finally catching up. Now we have blockchain douchebags, proprietary software yuppies, NFT assholes, app developer jerkoffs, and fresh-from-college Patagonia-clad shit-asses – and so what if they’re mostly white?”
Experts agree that this kind of growth is what Canada needs in order to compete with the United States’ hegemonic output of fuckwads and inconsiderate malcontents. Some are hopeful that in a few years, with the right optimization, we may even be able to incentivize our own incels, genius virgins, and developmentally-challenged forward-thinkers to invest in communities here, instead of leaving the country for the promise of better pay in more competitive sectors abroad.
For others, the top douchebag spot is already closer than we think.
“We’ve got a bit of a unique advantage,” says Yorkville resident Amit Sarkar. “Toronto’s completely unliveable rent prices, coupled with the consistent lack of outdoor-friendly weather, have created a breeding ground for our own species of hyper-evolved tech bro: An even pastier and more delusional bro than New York or the Bay Area could ever hope to achieve. Sort of like how antibiotic overuse in the meat-packing industry created super gonorrhea.”
At press time, no tech bros could be reached for comment, with reports of a local Best Buy running a fire sale on Fitbits.
