OTTAWA – Sources have learned that this year’s standard edition of TurboTax skips right to the point by asking “So, how much you wanna try pulling over on the feds?” when the program is launched.
“I was surprised by how straightforward it was,” said 34-year-old Lauren Buckner. “After you type your name there’s a slider that ranges from ‘Willing to do a few years if this goes wrong’ to ‘Coward.’ I went with ‘Thinks money laundering looks neat when they show it on TV.’”
TurboTax goes on to tell users that “Everyone knows T5s sometime get lost in the mail,” “Your fingers can slip and misplace a zero or two, we get it” and “Just FYI, the odds of Canada Revenue actually checking how much you donated to charity are really low.”
“After I wrote down the profits from my stock portfolio TurboTax said ‘Whoa, that’s a lot! You sure about that, champ?’” 55-year-old Patrick Valentine said. “When I said yes it called me a chump and told me to ‘Take my commie ass over to the goody-goodys at TaxTron.’”
This edition of TurboTax also highlights the “I am a volunteer firefighter” button, while asking the user “You’ve always been curious about what happens if you click on this, right? Why not find out?”
“When I told TurboTax I had no kids it said ‘fur babies’ can legally be considered children too,” said 22-year-old Bruce Thorpe. “I was dubious, but then it showed me a picture of the tropical vacation I could afford if I ticked the right boxes and, long story short, my five gerbils are dependants now.”
“Apparently I can save even more money next year by opening TFSAs for them,” Thorpe added.
The Premier edition of TurboTax has also been updated and now notes that money paid by life insurance policies isn’t taxable before listing nearby rickety bridges and precarious cliffs that would be perfect for a romantic picnic with your spouse.