Republicans celebrate anniversary of insurrection by leaving AR-15s under their pillows in hopes for a visit from the big fat man - The Beaverton
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Republicans celebrate anniversary of insurrection by leaving AR-15s under their pillows in hopes for a visit from the big fat man

Washington, DC – January 6th, 2022 marks one year since Donald supporters stormed the Capitol building, rioting after Trump lost the 2020 election to Joe Biden. To celebrate, Republicans tucked their best AR-15s under their pillows in hopes for a visit from the big fat man, himself.

“I hope he stuffs my MAGA hat full of treats,” said Trump supporter Brent Dalby, as he finished up spreading loads of orange icing on a new inspired holiday cookie he’s calling a ginger breadman. “There’s nothing like waking up on Insurrection morning to all sorts of surprises like a new set of bullets in your AR-15, or a complete overthrow of the government with an authoritarian GOP regime. I feel like a little boy again!”

While some refer to the big fat man in question as Donald Trump, he is known by many other regional names around the USA: Ol’ St. Dick, Sinter-no-class, and of course, Krispy Kreme Kringle. But the democrats still just call him “That rat bastard that I still can’t believe we, as a country, decided to make president.

As for customs, a traditional Insurrection Anniversary includes a big family meal consisting of four Big Macs eaten while sitting on the toilet.

It’s not just adults who celebrate this holiday that Republicans have decided should be a day off work no matter what their employer says. “Look at him, all snug, wrapped up in his confederate flag. Fell right asleep with his horn helmet on too, dreaming of Sugar Plum fairies and how to grab ‘em by the pussy. He’s getting his first gun tomorrow,” Dalby said as he showed off a photo of a 3 year old toddler dozing off.

While President Trump could not be reached for comment, his representatives told supporters to keep an eye out in the sky for the man whose catchphrase is “Ho ho ho,” as he’ll probably be flying overhead very soon in his private jet led by QAnon Shamans.

At press time, Nancy Pelosi was seen painting herself green and claiming she was gonna “steal” Insurrection Day but then she just sat in her office watching the holiday parade from her window.