CALGARY – Scouts report that life coach Tom Duggan is replacing his client, Simon Pike, after Pike turned in an incredibly underwhelming performance during the first half of his life.
“Simon, I really appreciate your commitment to the grind, but you’re just not getting the results that Team Simon Pike needs. It’s time to hit the showers, kid,” Duggan said, before patting Pike on the butt and sending him off.
Pike finishes the first half of his life with a below average number of friends, sexual partners, and life skills. While Pike does rank among the nation’s leaders in television shows binged, chicken nuggets consumed, and Kleenexes wasted, he sits near the bottom when it comes to fond memories made, scenic walks taken, and money saved for retirement.
Subbing in for the 42-year-old Pike is 21-year-old prodigy Flynn Olson, who Coach Duggan has been working with since his time in the minors. Scouts consider Olson one of the nation’s top prospects, citing his charming personality, strong math skills, and influential family.
“Alright, Flynn, listen up. The first thing I need you to do is march up to Simon’s boss and demand a promotion,” Duggan told his young star. “Once our income improves we can lock down some real estate and a long-term partner. But don’t forget about the fundamentals! Remember to eat healthy, spend lots of time with Simon’s nieces and nephews, and express awe at humanity’s place in the vast and mysterious cosmos.”
Olson has made an immediate impact on Pike’s life, cleaning his entire apartment and paying several outstanding bills as onlooking family members cheered for the promising replacement.
“We were disappointed with Simon’s performance, but we’re looking forward to seeing what Flynn can accomplish with our son’s life,” Pike’s parents told reporters. “We’ll miss seeing Simon at Sunday night dinner, but that’s professional life for you.”
At press time, Olson had been hit by a bus and placed on long-term injured reserve, forcing Coach Duggan to turn to his plucky but untested third stringer.