LOS ANGELES – Following the success of their hit movies MALEFICENT and CRUELLA, Disney have announced that it plans to continue the trend of movies that humanize and sympathize with famous Disney villains by moving forward with a new Pocahontas-themed flick entitled WHITE COLONIALISM.
“At Disney, we love a creative challenge. We made audiences fall in love with a witch who cursed a baby to die. We created a sympathetic backstory for a character who was basically just a walking cigarette that murders puppies. So we thought, fuck it, why not drive this trend straight into the ground and see just how despicable we can be?” said Disney creative director Dan Howard.
“Did we make mistakes with the original Pocahontas? Sure. Was it wrong for us to romanticize the story of a kidnapped teenage girl who converted to Christianity in captivity and died at the age of 20 on foreign soil? Probably. But will audiences continue to throw their money at the Disney corporation after we make them sit through 90 minutes of live-action Christian apologetics starring Logan Paul and a visibly intoxicated Mel Gibson? Looks like we’re going to find out.”
Parent reactions to the upcoming movie have been generally positive.
“When I first heard about this movie, I thought, ‘Wow, that’s a version of history so unapologetically racist and white-washed that even Alberta would hesitate to teach it in schools. There’s no way that I’m letting my kid see that,” said local mom of two, Jennifer Greeves. “But then I realized that I want my kids to learn important lessons from their movies, and what lesson could be more powerful than ‘powerful white men will always make excuses for their actions and get away with it?’”
At press time, Indigenous leaders were unavailable to comment on plans for the new movie, as they were being prevented from doing so by an RCMP blockade.
