OTTAWA – In a shocking move, Conservative leaders have accused opposition parties of secretly founding the Conservative Party, as part of an elaborate, decades-long scheme to make the Conservative Party look bad.
“Obviously we apologize for whatever insensitive, sexist, overtly racist, covertly racist, elitist, xenophobic, clueless, or farcically out-of-touch thing we’ve recently said or done,” said the middle-aged white man newly selected to lead the Conservative party, as he made a facial expression that wasn’t quite right for the occasion. “But of course, we’re not really to blame here. It’s our belief that the Conservative Party of Canada has fallen victim to intentional scheming by our political opponents – specifically, we believe that they created the Conservative Party in the first place, in the interest of making conservatives look bad.”
“Canada’s conservative party has changed names and combined with other parties several times over the years – we used to think that this was just a transparent effort to sneak far-right populists into the party like they were riding in a queer-friendly, centre-right Trojan horse, but now we think it was a plot by the Liberals all along,” the Conservative leader continued, adjusting the lapels of a suit that did not quite fit correctly. “Putting Conservatives in a room together to share their ideas has done immeasurable damage to the image of conservatives, and frankly only a liberal could come up with such a terrible idea.”
Officials from Canada’s other top parties have fervently denied these allegations from the Conservatives.
“It’s completely ridiculous. Of course we didn’t found the Conservative Party,” said a top strategist for the Liberal Party, a mid-40s Québecois lawyer with a surprisingly anglophone name. “Don’t get me wrong, we’ve done plenty of things to sabotage the Conservatives over the years. We make them speak fourth-grade French. We let them elect Andrew Scheer. Sometimes we just say the words “residential schools” and point them towards an open microphone. But making them come together as a group and admit the things they believe is an act of sabotage we could only dream of pulling off.”
At press time, Conservatives were investigating the possibility that the Province of Alberta was actually an elaborate theme park built by Liberals to make fun of them.