VANCOUVER – Lillian Osterhouse is pleased to finally have made enough money this year to pay taxes and has some very strong opinions about how that money should be spent.
“As a taxpayer, I just think it’s important that the government spend our tax dollars on the things taxpayers like myself need. And as a taxpayer, I’m tired of seeing the government spend my hard earned tax dollars on things which taxpayers like myself don’t need,” Osterhouse said, forgetting that until this year she was not a taxpayer and yet still needed things.
“For example, as a taxpayer, I see far too much homelessness. As a taxpayer, I just feel like the government should do something about that. I pay my taxes, I shouldn’t have to see that kind of thing.” Osterhouse is adamant, however, that the government should not spend her hard-earned tax dollars housing people who themselves do not pay taxes.
Osterhouse has also started ordering civil servants around as though they were her private servants, because “as a taxpayer, I pay their salaries, these people work for me,” and has begun parking her car anywhere she pleases, because “as a taxpayer, I pay for these roads.”
“And frankly, as a taxpayer, I think there are too many superhero movies,” Osterhouse added.
Not everyone is as enthusiastic about Osterhouse’s new taxpaying status as Osterhouse herself.
“She’s let this whole thing go to her head,” said Osterhouse’s sister, June. “I was hoping this impulse would fade with time, she paid her taxes over a month ago. But it’s actually getting stronger. She’s started ending sentences with ‘as a taxpayer’ too. Pretty soon she’ll be slipping it into the middle of sentences and talking to her about anything will involve deciphering taxpayer Pig Latin.”
“The most irritating thing about this is that her tax bill was only $90.”
At press time, Osterhouse was arguing that, as a taxpayer, she has every right to rent out her local post office as an Airbnb.