IT’S SIMPLE! How to book your vaccine using 8 websites, 5 booking IDs, a decoder ring, and the divine providence of Christ
Vaccine appointments are opening up for Ontarians 18+! We know you might be unfamiliar with the province’s booking system, so we thought we’d break down how to snag your slot in the simplest way possible: using 8 websites, 5 booking IDs, a decoder ring, and the divine providence of Christ.
First of all, the websites. You’ll need to be able to access the province’s booking system, and the websites of every community centre, place of worship, ice rink, parking lot, and hospital that services your postal code. It’s important to remember that the hospitals in question are NOT the hospitals geographically closest to you – they were determined randomly by a hat draw completed in 1972, and you must guess correctly. If you live in Toronto, the city of Toronto’s booking system must also be open, if only to throttle your GPU to an acceptable speed so that the booking tool can load all the fun ClipArt.
Booking IDs are a little simpler. You’ll need your name, address, birthdate, health card number, your last 3 employee IDs, and a list of every sad thought you’ve ever had. Simple, right? Don’t forget that time you were like “what if my girlfriend falls out of love with me and I don’t notice until it’s too late” – that’s a big one!
The decoder ring is buried under a paving stone outside… well, that would ruin the fun, wouldn’t it? After you find and dig up the ring, you will be able to join the line and wait “15 minutes” (3-5 hours) for the opportunity to possibly book an appointment.
But you won’t get that appointment without one last thing: the divine providence of Christ. While efforts were made to make this rollout inclusive of all denominations, Doug Ford could not find the Q on his new laptop to type ‘Qur’an’, so you’ll have to spend some time getting right with the (Christian) Lord. If you are deemed worthy of vaccination, a cascade of God rays will shine down upon your house, and you will be invited to your nearest church basement for shots and tuna sandwiches with your neighbourhood Olds.
Once you know what to do, it’s actually pretty simple to get a vaccine in Ontario! Stay tuned for our guide to getting shot 2. Hint: you’re going to want to buy a very good raincoat. Good luck!