“After speaking with my experts, we all agree that lying is the fastest way to get more people vaccinated,” said Ford. “Lie about your age, your area code – heck, lie about how sorry you are about the decisions you made that have led directly to this dire situation.”
Ford continued, “one of the best lies you can tell is to say your Dr. Frances Tam. I know at least 8 people who’ve got their vaccine real fast that way. I know a guy who can whip up a fake ID quick-fast.”
Ontario scientists and health experts have reiterated that none of their recommendations to the premier have been to lie in order to get the vaccine faster. “At no point did we recommend lying,” explained (the real) Dr. Frances Tam. “A basic understanding of math would lead any person to realize taking a vaccine not meant for you means someone else does not get it, especially someone who we think would need the vaccination more. Also don’t use my name, I still haven’t been vaccinated.”
After being asked about Dr. Tam’s comments, Ford stated, “Good, I am glad we all agree. Lie, lie, lie.”
When reporters questioned the premier on his earlier position that it was the federal government’s fault for a lack of vaccines, rather than a lack of people to vaccinate available, Ford responded, “Yeah…I LIED…you’re welcome!”
Ford has revealed his updated plan for vaccine distribution includes three phases: the first phase for people who lie really well, the second for bad liars, and the third for three kids in a trenchcoat.
While Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Ford have butted heads in the past, it seems they were able to find common ground on the benefits of lying.
“A good country is measured by the lies it tells,” began Trudeau in a recent phone call to Premier Ford after recounting his famous ‘the 2015 election will be the last under first-past-the-post’ fib. “And as Canadian politicians, we continue to honour our rich history of lying while smiling, and every once in a while, shedding a crocodile tear. Extra points if that includes stealing more from our native population by pretending to be one of them to get a vaccine sooner. Bravo, sir.”
After recommending lying, Ford then addressed reporters stating, “The Ontario government is now fully in control of this situation and will no longer let down Ontarians,” with a characteristic sly wink to the camera followed by charmed laughter from the crowd.