Everything old is new! Author, professor, and father figure for adult men who still wet the bed and then refuse to shower afterwards because “urine is sterile”, Jordan Peterson is back in the public eye after someone mistakenly fed him after midnight.
Some early reports suggest that the meal was a time zone issue from Peterson’s recent stay abroad after getting substance abuse treatment in Russia, but an inside leak reveals that it was simply an error.
“He looked like a cute, cuddly psychology professor,” the whistleblower said. “We didn’t know the full extent of our actions until Peterson had emerged from his cocoon and transformed into a beady-eyed, soulless monster, ready to run amok.”
Peterson’s daughter, whose existence stems from an incident when Peterson mistakenly got wet in a swimming pool, reports that Peterson is in good spirits. “He refuses to refer to himself as a gremlin due to ‘identity politics’”, Mikhaila said. “I’m just glad the food he ate after midnight was in accordance with our strict diet of just beef, salt, and the blood of the mean old lady who yelled at the dog in the bank.”
Peterson rose to prominence a few years ago with his controversial opinions that are beginning to make a bit more sense in the context of his gremlin state. For example, he previously stated that we should be ”looking backwards for a model of how the world should be arranged”.
On his behalf, Mikhaila clarified that he was referring to a previous Earth ruled by Stripe, where movie theatres are free to all (who use the pronouns they were assigned at birth whether they are accurate or not).
As well, his comments that “violent attacks happen when men don’t have partners and society needs women to marry those men,” were simply voicing support for the beautiful wedding between fellow gremlin Greta and Forster in the Clamp Center bathrooms.
Peterson’s new book, Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life, was written during his reemergence and promises to deliver even more guidelines to the pasty white virgins who read it. One fitting rule? Avoid sunlight.
Peterson’s new book can be found in a Chinese antique shop that wasn’t there the day before or wherever books are sold.