TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is unwillingly to administer all the vaccines the federal government has acquired and supplied to Ontario because he has named each one and grown attached.
“My friends, these are my friends,” began Premier Ford, in a press conference, while holding up vaccine syringes in little outfits. “This is Pointy, Sharpy, Khalessi of the Great Grass Sea, Robbie, Tommy, John Diefenbaker (no relation), Morgan and Sasha Sainte-Marie. What’s that?” added Ford, holding up Tommy, a Moderna with a little cowboy hat, to his ear. “You want me to tell everyone that you’re not ready to leave daddy Dougie?”
Ford explained that he wasn’t planning on getting so attached. “Everyone told me not to name them but I couldn’t help it! I was strolling through the subzero freezers and I happened to peer through the windows. The little condensation droplets on the wittle vials were like two wittle eyes looking back at me. I swear, I could hear them saying ‘why do you want to get rid of us, Dougie? Don’t you wuv us?”
According to Ford, he was delighted to discover the different personalities associated with each vaccine. In an official government report, the Pfizer’s are allegedly fiery, quick to temper but with a heart of gold, while Modernas are usually more laidback. AstraZenecas, however, are most often a bit uptight and don’t play well with the others.
“We blame mean-old Uncle Trudeau!” said Doug Ford, in a high-pitched voice while holding up Pointy, a Pfizer dressed like a firefighter. “It’s his fault that we’re so cute and lovable!”
“Don’t take us away!” added “Morgan”, Pointy’s twin sister donning a polka-dot-bow. “Please don’t separate me from my sister and my other 500,000 other siblings!”
After the press conference ended Ford reportedly drove two hours north of Toronto, to an unnamed forest conservation, to let 20,000 vaccines go free. He reportedly was cited giving a tearful “go on now, git.”
