KELOWNA, BC – 28-year old Torontonian Poncy Robins thought her tree-planting trip to BC was the perfect escape from the weariness of the second COVID lockdown, only to find upon arrival that her last 7 flings were all already working at the same encampment north of Kelowna.
“I knew I had a type – skinny, bearded, legs like a gazelle – but I had no idea that meant they all would foster the same passion for planting seeds in the dirt and a taste for escapism,” said Robins, zipping up her large Patagonia fleece over another, smaller Patagonia fleece.
All the aforementioned exes, named Carson, Jackson, Dylan, Jasper, Nolan, Nolan, and Nölan, reported that they made their way to the camp after getting laid off from various bartending jobs along the Ossington strip in Toronto.
“It was a needed change, little did we know we all had our ties to Poncy in common,” the men recite in horrifying unison, stroking their identical ginger beards and wearing matching Patagonia toques.
Robins is now gearing up for months of hard work, nature, and revisiting her past failings as a partner in excruciating detail with her lost lovers while eating beans out of a can and shitting in the woods.
“Luckily I have a new man to help me through it all. His name is Nalon and he wears Arcteryx. He’s nothing like the others. Really sticking it to his parents. He only accepts money from them bi-monthly.” Robins also mentioned that her new beau has been going tree-planting every summer for the last 7 years, his last ex being a woman named Roncy Pobins, also living at the encampment.
“I mean, lesson learned, I guess. Vary who you date, or you could end up trapped in the British Columbian wilderness for a 3-month contract,” remarked Robins, a beacon of optimism amidst her predicament. “Still beats showing up to that hair salon where everyone who bullied me in high school works now”