VANCOUVER, B.C – An extensive 38 year study conducted by the University of British Columbia into domesticated dogs species has revealed that every dog in the world actually doesn’t bark, but, in fact, borks.
The $3.67 billion dollars study, in which 63 researchers in dozens of countries conducted painstaking testing and analysis of the vocalizations of more than 500,000 dogs of every breed, came to the conclusion that the noise dogs make is actually one letter off.
“The results are stunning,” said team leader Monique Grant. “I spent the last 20 years of my life dedicated to this research and now we have conclusive proof that dogs go ‘bork’ and not ‘bark.’ I just… fucking hell.”
The implications of the study are far-reaching and incalculable in scope, from cartoonist’s speech bubbles to… uhhh Westminster dog shows maybe?
“Frankly, I’m shocked,” said Pomeranian owner Brick Timber, “I don’t know if I can look Fluffington in the eye anymore after all these years of lies…. We might have to put him down.”
Dogs across the world responded to the study with a collective statement that simply read “Bork, bork, grrrrrrrrrr, ruff! Bork!” signed by over 24,000 participants.
“20 years and all I have to show for it is ‘bork’ and the fact I can draw any breed of dog’s vocal chords with my eyes closed…” Grant said before pulling out a bottle of scotch and drinking it in silence for three minutes and nineteen seconds before our reporter took the hint.
The study comes after a similar research team announced their new project that would delve into whether or not cats go “mew” instead of “meow.”
