CANADA – With the COVID-19 pandemic forcing retail locations across the country to limit the number of customers inside, many shoppers hoping to take advantage of Black Friday deals are getting ready to commit their usual acts of violence outside.
“I honestly think we should’ve been killing each other before we got inside ages ago,” said Karen Thomas of Moose Jaw, in between sewing brass knuckles into her winter gloves. “I’ve always said ‘the weak have no place in a Black Friday sale’, and now they won’t even get through the doors. That first piece of tape on the sidewalk is mine!”
“It’s going to be tough taking out the competition this year,” predicted Mark Sakaya of Ottawa, as he hammered a large nail through his ice scraper. “There’s not going to be any doors or shopping carts to hurt people with, and everyone’s going to be wearing thick winter coats to protect their vitals. I think I might have seen someone setting up booby traps in front of BestBuy, which is both tactically smart and festive in a Home Alone kinda way”
“I’m just glad I don’t really have any shopping to do this year. My family called off their Christmas celebration, so I’m just planning to see how many people I can burn with my space heater before my usual bloodlust is sated.”
“This is actually the safest I’ve ever felt working on Black Friday,” explained Walmart employee Kurt Stanely, in the middle of working with his colleagues to turn his location’s parking lot into a crude, open-air Thunderdome. “At least this year the rain will clean up all the blood, instead of me.”
In addition to the physical outdoor carnage, online shopping is expected to see an increase in violence as well, with reports of malware attacks and abuse of customer service programs on online stores more than doubling in the past few days.