WASHINGTON D.C. – The current attempt by Donald Trump and his Republican allies to subvert the will of the people and remain in power is, according to international observers, “way stupider” than expected for a country as powerful as America.
“When you hear the words ‘coup d’etat’ you think tanks rolling down the street, not crappy black hair dye rolling down Rudy Giuliani’s face,” said historian Glenn Rabbior. “Even accounting for the fact that our version of Napoleon Bonaparte is Donald fucking Trump, I still didn’t expect it to be this dumb.”
“I mean the Four Seasons Landscaping thing alone. You think Gaddafi or Lenin would have done something that absurd?”
As the dominant western superpower and leading military force in the world, most assumed the inevitable crumbling of American democracy would come with a bang, not a series of court cases that alleged fraud in Michigan because the lawyers confused the state’s returns with ones from Minnesota.
“Turns out our brilliant constitutional provisions on transition and elections depend a lot on people not choosing to believe an already debunked tweet about dead people voting in Georgia,” said legal analyst Cecil Martin.
Despite how ridiculous things have already gotten there is still time for Trump to make things even stupider between now and inauguration day. He could try to hide in one of the White House closets so the Secret Service can’t force him to leave. Or he could try to brainwash the electoral college voters into voting for him using a pocket watch and a Beginner’s Guide to Hypnosis book he just bought.
“Sincerely this is the most idiotic coup that has ever been attempted,” added Rabbior. “And I fully expect it will work. Why? Because it’s America. It’s 2020. And nothing matters.”
