VATICAN CITY – Speaking in a new documentary, Pope Francis has revealed his support for legal recognition of same-sex civil unions as part of his revolutionary plan to make the Roman Catholic Church reflect the modern world of the 1990s.
“The pontiff has been studying early episodes of Friends as a model of the progressive values he hopes the church will gradually come to adopt,” explained one source inside the Vatican who preferred not to be named. “He even watched Spice World!” Observers have confirmed that while women still cannot be ordained, the pope is seriously considering using the phrase “Girl Power.”
A series of other modernizing reforms accompanies the Pope’s announcement, such as allowing priests to wear khakis, the creation of an official papal Beanie Baby, and the declaration that it is no longer a sin to hack the mainframe.
The feature length documentary Francesco includes numerous candid statements from the 83-year-old head of the Catholic Church, including his desire to know who killed Laura Palmer, his opinion on swing dancing, and a list of his favourite Monica Lewinsky jokes. Pope Francis granted documentary interviews while wearing customized robes bearing the statement “The Juice is Loose”.
Some factions within the church feel that the Pope is moving too fast. One anonymous bishop stated his concern that “at this rate, we run the very real risk that the Vatican will be fully supportive of trans rights by the year 2265!”