WINDSOR, ON – Yesterday, 35 year-old software developer Daniel Moore was overheard bragging to female friends that he was “totally cool with periods,” a phrase that very clearly revealed the fact that he was completely unaware of what women casually refer to as “chunky days.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty woke about the whole thing,” he said nonchalantly. “I just don’t see what the big deal is. Periods are, what, three days of a little blood? All I have to do is throw chocolate at my girlfriend and resist the urge to call her angry. I don’t get why dudes make such a fuss about it. Guess I’m just more evolved.”
Moore’s partner Lena patiently explained that, unbeknownst to him, she kept Daniel on a strict need-to-know basis, explaining that, “What he doesn’t know could actually kill him.”
“Oh, he definitely thinks he’s comfortable about what over half the population goes through on a monthly basis,” she said. “But that’s mostly because he’s never heard of things like clotting and sneeze gushes. I once tried to explain period shits to him and he blacked out and completely forgot we had had the conversation. I just didn’t have the heart to bring it up again.”
“He really does try,” she continued. “I mean, at least he doesn’t refer to periods as my ‘moon time’ anymore, like I’m some kind of werewolf. We’re making progress. I’m hoping to be able to introduce him to my period underwear by the time I hit menopause.”
Gynecologist Dr. Eliza Chalmers stated that many men such as Moore subconsciously convince themselves that being able to say the word “periods” without experiencing full-body convulsions means that their understanding of the subject is complete.
“In Daniel’s case, when he says ‘woke’, I hear ‘I have no idea my girlfriend sometimes stands in the shower and pretends that she’s bathing in the blood of her defeated foes,’ Chalmers calmly pointed out. “The way I see it, he’ll either figure it out on his own, or eventually learn about toxic shock syndrome and be so traumatized that he’ll never falsely brag about it again.”
Moore was last seen trapped in the feminine hygiene aisle of his local Shoppers Drug Mart, paralyzed with fear that if he bought the wrong size of tampons, his girlfriend’s vagina would implode.
