TORONTO – Sources on the ground are reporting that one surprisingly cocksure pigeon was struttin’ down Bloor Street this past Monday as though he owned the whole town.
“Usually I don’t even give pigeons a second-thought, I mean I think it would be weird if I did,” said Craig Krillbrugor, a payroll clerk. “But this smug asshole was really moseying on down and taking up the whole sidewalk. Even though it rubbed me the wrong way, I gotta respect the little guy’s hustle.”
Other pedestrians confirmed that the pigeon in question stood out due to the quiet confidence by which he carried himself. According to another eye-witness, this tiny scofflaw didn’t move away like the rest of the flock in frantic, jittery motions. Instead, the bold bird kept on pumpin’ down the street, cooing as he pleased.
Samira Mikhail, an investment analyst on her lunch break, was visibly shaken up by the encounter.
“I’m used to these little nuisances respecting the social hierarchy, in which we as humans are at the top. Sometimes a particularly bold pigeon will flap its wings a little too close for comfort, but most of the time I can shoo them away. But this arrogant punk was bopping along without a care. It’s like he was attuned to some greater existential truth about the universe,” Mikhail sighed.
“He seemed genuinely happy, and I envy him for that.”
At press time, onlookers report that the pigeon had successfully used a revolving door and was now groovin’ his way into the lobby of a Scotiabank.
