OTTAWA – The Canada Revenue Agency is insisting that another secret settlement that allows wealthy individuals and corporations who engaged in offshore tax avoidance schemes to avoid public trials is all part of their plan to eliminate rich tax dodgers, eventually.
“Just because they’re millionaires doesn’t mean they can’t make an honest mistake that conveniently leads to them paying no taxes for a decade,” a CRA spokesperson said after the secret settlement was leaked to the press and they were forced to make a statement about it. “Frankly, it’s downright unfair to expect every millionaire to be able to keep track of all that money every year.”
The CRA contends that a “tough love” approach, with an emphasis on “love,” is the best way to get the richest 1% of Canadians to eventually stop robbing the nation’s coffers with elaborate multinational schemes and shelters.
“We don’t just want the wealthy to pay taxes because we’re forcing them to,” the CRA spokesperson continued. “We want the wealthy to want to pay their taxes, and the more we let them off the hook when they don’t, the more they’ll realize how much we care for them. It’s like the old saying goes, if you love something, set it free so it can avoid paying its taxes, and it will eventually come back to you and voluntarily pay its taxes.”
The CRA also announced that it’s overhauling the current system for deciding who to audit and will replace pulling random SIN numbers from a large hat with a more scientific astrology-based approach.