As an avid reader of Archie comics, when The CW announced that they were making a film-noir, sexy teen version of the show, I was waiting with breath that was baited. As the first season came to a close, I was breathing normally and had a lot of issues with Archie’s problematic behaviour. That being said, as the hiatus continued, I was amped up for season two. I got about mid-way through the first episode, but when the hot street drug in the show was referred to as, “jingle-jangle,” that’s when I realized I don’t need this in my life anymore. Plus I’m pretty sure I can write a better Riverdale episode while being super high on all that jangle. So yes, I did stop watching the “Riverdale”, but here’s what I’m pretty sure is happening with everyone’s favourite-ish gang of teens.
ARCHIE ANDREWS
I was against Archie from day one. When he told Betty that she was “too good for him,” I believed him. She is. And any man who says those words needs to CATCH UP to that women’s amazing-ness or kick himself sideways in the knee real hard. That’s why I’m certain in season two Archie learns that he’s been harbouring a lot of secret misogyny and works on himself by getting super into hot yoga. He will learn his lesson and go back to Betty, because, of course. But it will be way too late, and Archie will wander the Earth searching for a mate that will NEVER BE! Side note: Why doesn’t Archie like Betty?! They get along like best friends and are both very sexy. LIKE, WHAT ELSE DOES HE THINK IS OUT THERE?!
JUGHEAD JONES
My hope of all hopes is that Jughead will eat a damn hamburger. Once Jughead has eaten that hamburger he realizes meat is murder and becomes a hardcore vegan. He then spends the rest of the season educating everyone on how veganism can and will stop global warming. He tries to get a job at Vice, but the day of the interview his mob-tied dad asks if he could “pretend to be him in a poker game”. He agrees. At the poker game Jughead accidentally gets too high on Jingle Jangle. He dies in the arms of a South Side Serpent. His last words are, “There was too much jingle in that jangle.”
BETTY COOPER
Mourning the loss of Jughead, Betty realizes she is an ‘A’ student who has been aiming way too low both academically and romantically. She gets into Harvard Law, and immediately become Riverdale’s top and only lawyer. Betty will bring down a pharmaceutical company that’s trying to repackage jingle jangle for the upper class. She sometimes thinks of Archie when she sees her red towel scrunched up on the floor, but it’s only for a fleeting moment.
VERONICA LODGE
Veronica unfortunately fails out of Riverdale High due to a mixture of family drama, and the fact that she’s spends too much time working on her eyebrows every morning. Like three hours a day! With Betty too busy with law school, Archie too into yoga and Jughead too dead, Veronica realizes her character was never fully fleshed out when she is not relating to other characters. Therefore Veronica stops existing. She will be seen time to time in reflections of windows of mirrors of certain shots. People will turn around and she’ll be gone.
CHERYL BLOSSOM
Suffering from a similar fate as Veronica, Cheryl, over-lines her lips until she is only lip liner. She attempts to double cross the lip liner, but due to the fact that lip liner is an inanimate object, the lip liner doesn’t ever “get into it”, to the degree that would satisfy Cheryl. Also, Cheryl goes into serious family counselling and deals with UM THE INCEST?!?!… that drives her to only want to date red headed boys.
