CANADA – Calling it a “stroke of great luck” and “just about the most you can hope for”, Canadians everywhere are celebrating the good fortune of their ancestors, who found 10 million square kilometres of completely empty land to settle on.
“Boy, it sure was great that there weren’t any rich and diverse cultures already living here when we showed up,” said Peterborough woman Joyce Calendar. “Because if there had been that would mean Canadians at some point engaged in a campaign of brutal violence against these people in order to claim the territory as our own. That would be bad.”
The federal government also chimed in, stating that the initial expansion of Canada in no way lead to the destruction of hundreds of robust communities that had lived in relative harmony prior to the arrival of Europeans, and isn’t that grand?
“Could you imagine if we’d, say, stole children from their mothers in an attempt to completely scour any cultural identity from a theoretical society?” said Lewis Donaldson, a Toronto electrician. “And could you believe if we’d kept doing it until 1996?”
“Good thing human life was totally absent from this, the 2nd largest country on earth.”
The nation went on to say that they were especially lucky that no descendents of a hypothetical civilization that had been through an attempted genocide were currently living in abject poverty, many without reasonable access to food or clean drinking water.
“If something like that did happen it would certainly be our fault and we would need to take responsibility,” said Roger Billups, a Calgary accountant. “That’s why it’s a good thing that didn’t happen.”
At press time, the nation was shaking its head in disbelief over the USA’s treatment of African-Americans.
