Gasslin County, West Virginia must be full of bigots, because they overwhelmingly voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 election, right?
Not so fast. In 2008 and 2012, over 60% of the county voted for Barack Obama. So what changed? If you take the time to actually talk to people in the county, they’ll tell you they felt they had no choice, because of a combination of economic factors, and the fact that the Everkromm Tree was holding their beloved children hostage.
“Truth is, times are hard in Gasslin County, partly because the mine closed, but mostly because that evil old tree pulled himself up by the roots one night, and danced through the town, snatching children from their beds with his long bad branches,” said Gasslin County sheriff Mick Rivers.
Wow. Kind of makes our big city problems seem small by comparison, doesn’t it? In fact, the Everkromm Tree stole over 480 of the county’s children that night, and tucked them into the earth. When a delegation came to ask what it wanted, it used a root to carve one word in the soil: Trump.
“Obviously, race and globalization played a huge role in this election,” said activist DeRay Jackson. “But it would be unfair to rule out the effect specific trees had in specific counties, like Wisconsin’s Sulfurmour Larch, or the Wycked Willowe of Scranton Pennsylvania.”
While many in the county have expressed misgivings about Trump’s cabinet appointments, others say it’s past time they drained the swamp, whose vapours are said to nourish the Everkromm Tree, and teach it to hate.
