BEIJING – After decades of conservation efforts experts in China have announced that the giant panda population has finally returned to a level at which they can now be consumed by humans and other predators around the world.
“When the panda numbers neared 2,000, we were ecstatic to move the panda from ‘endangered’ to ‘vulnerable’,” explained senior State Forestry Administration staffer Ge Yan. “Now it means people can start eating them again, and move forward with all those land development plans for bamboo-infested areas we’ve had to put on hold.”
After a banning of the delicious meat from world markets decades ago, countries from all over the world are excited to get another taste. “My grandpa was always talking about how he used to go down to the Original Panda Express over on Queen St,” said Trevor Langly from Toronto. “I think there’s a Dollarama there now, so at least they use the same Chinese providers. Anyway, looking forward to seeing what all the fuss was about in the 80s”
The legalization of panda meat is also expected to be a boost to China’s economy, with hundred of jobs expected to be added from panda wrangling alone. Luo Guanyang, who has been working a rice paddy for years, says he can’t wait to get into the lucrative field of panda farming. “Not only is the pay great, but it’s fairly easy too” said Guanyang, “Panda’s only have one baby a year if you’re lucky. You basically get paid to be a freelance zookeeper. Plus, if you give them enough steroids, they get so big you don’t even have to fence them in. They hardly move at that point”
This announcement has led to a mass reorganizing of panda conservation and preservation efforts into panda production and distribution, such as the plan to build a slaughterhouse over a former wildlife preserve, and frozen panda semen samples being sold at farm supply stores.
At press time, the World Wildlife Federation was reportedly scrambling to find a mascot that would inspire more sympathy rather than appetite.
With files from Pat Dussault
