OTTAWA – In light of concerns that social media sites would be used to spread deliberate disinformation in order to sway the outcome of Canada’s upcoming federal election, Chief Electoral O…
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Boeing signs fighter contract, will rework planes to cause death and destruction “on purpose”
Crystal City, Virginia – Seeing an opportunity to capitalize on his company’s reputation as a bringer of chaos and death, Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg has announced the signing of an agre…
Conservative man discovers secret trick to getting elected PM: running as Liberal
(Political) Scientists hate him for discovering a new way to be a Conservative PM in Canada! And he can show you how to do it too! It’s the second episode of the relaunched Beaverton Weekly…
Twelve hours of not thanking the bus driver and other atrocities witnessed during Canadian version of The Purge
OTTAWA – Reports are coming in that Canadians from coast to coast engaged in horrifying acts of rudeness, thoughtlessness, and impoliteness during this year’s Purge Day: Canadian Edition. “…
Experts warn Pierre Poilievre losing election he thought he was guaranteed to win will be very, very funny
“The human body can only shake with laughter for so long.” Welcome back to The Beaverton Weekly Report! Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Nile Seguin and Clare Blackwood) talk Mark C…
“Oh, he’s never done that before,” says owner as dog kills seventh victim
EDMONTON – As her five-year-old Yorkshire Terrier disembowelled his latest victim, owner Krissie Powell has assured horrified onlookers that Buster never behaves like this. “Oh my gosh, I don’t k…
Alberta proves private healthcare is more efficient at generating scandals
EDMONTON – Alberta’s experiment with private healthcare delivery is already paying off, as the system is generating scandals at a rate unheard of by the province’s public-facing healthcare system…
Ontario voters excited to learn definition of insanity
TORONTO – In a province desperate for improvement on vital issues from housing to healthcare, voters who just made the logical choice to re-elect the same Premier they’ve had for the last 7…
Woman really impressed by how much date knows about DraftKings
EDMONTON – Local woman Melissa Orlon has reported that she is “over the moon” and “soooo blown away” by the depth of familiarity, passion and expertise her date of last night had for the on…
Aligning themselves with Trump works out just as well for U.S. hockey players as it did for Ted Cruz
BOSTON – After explicitly praising Donald Trump’s support of their team and even hoping they can “win for him” U.S. hockey players discovered what Ted Cruz and numerous ot…
