Tour guide lost for weeks
LASHBURN, SK – Over 19 days and 12 hours since beginning a routine 90-minute hop-on hop-off bus tour of Vancouver, lost tour guide Gary Grant and his charge of tourists unknowingly crossed …
Most boring diary ever kept hidden away like it was some sort of fucking gem, reports disappointed mother
KINGSTON, ON – The discovery of 15-year-old Stacey Bradenham’s very secret diary has proven disappointing for the Bradenhams, sources from the family report. “I was pretty excited at first,…
Hand-washing apparently still too complicated for 90% of the population
OTTAWA – Despite countless campaigns, television ads, posters, and educational programs, only a small portion of the Canadian population seems to have grasped the concept of washing their h…
Man still unfit after training montage
OAKVILLE, ON – Local man Aaron Montague failed to complete a half-marathon last week, despite preparing with an hour-long training montage. “I did everything right,” Montague insisted. “I t…
‘Occupy Toronto’ successfully undermines ‘Occupy Wall Street’
TORONTO – ‘Occupy Toronto’ protesters are celebrating their media gains over ‘Occupy Wall Street’ this week. “People didn’t think we had it in us,” said Alek Brondowin, a protester. “But slowly w…
Toronto bans consumption and sale of shark fins
The city of Toronto, along with other municipalities, has voted to ban the possession, sale, and consumption of shark fins and shark fin products due to concerns that sharks are inhumanely treate…
Two friends become better friends
HALIFAX, NS – Two acquaintances increased their friendship by 200 percent this week, thanks to the combined effect of two man-dates within a 36-hour period. Taking in a summer blockbuster o…
