Israel drafts 14-year-old Becky to wage Twitter, Facebook war against Hamas
JERUSALEM – The Israeli Defence Force (IDF) has drafted 14-year-old Becky Anderson to wage a social media war against enemy forces in Gaza. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu approved the …
Toronto Blue Jays blockbuster trade reminds city that Baseball still a thing that goes on in city
TORONTO – The blockbuster 12-player trade agreement between the Toronto Blue Jays and the Miami Marlins, including the signing of Melky Cabrera, has led many citizens to realize that Toront…
Montreal mayor Michael Applebaum changes name to ‘Michél Baum-de-la-Pomme’ to satisfy Quebec language laws
MONTREAL – In order to comply with the province’s strict language laws, newly minted mayor of Montreal Michael Applebaum announced yesterday that he has officially changed his name to Miché…
NYPD successfully cleans mutant turtles out of sewers
NEW YORK – After almost two decades of mutant sightings in the New York sewers and a lengthy siege, spokespersons for the New York Police Department have reported that a nest of mutant turt…
Washington tourism board promotes beautiful views from its fiscal cliff
WASHINGTON – The United States Tourism Board has launched a campaign encouraging people to witness Washington D.C.’s majestic fiscal cliff as it looms over the nation’s capital and the glob…
Nation wakes up to grim reality that Barack Obama is not President of Canada
CANADA – A disillusioned nation woke up this week to the grim reality that Barack Obama’s re-election victory does not make him the President of Canada. “Wait, oh yeah,” the collective thou…
Paul Ryan to climb own widow’s peak
JANESVILLE, WI – Paul Ryan, the notoriously athletic and daring former vice-presidential candidate, has chosen to relax from the grueling campaign trail by taking on the monumental task of …
Unpatriotic baby cries throughout moment of silence
OTTAWA – Showing what witnesses agree was a complete lack of respect for the Canadian soldiers who lost their lives protecting our nation from foreign threats, an unpatriotic infant cried d…
Voices in man’s head outsourced to India
ABBOTSFORD, BC – Local mental health patient Andrew Wallace, 35, has tolerated hearing voices in his head for years, but says he is now unable to deal with the voices after their upper mana…
