Half of Statscan jobs at risk
Conservative budget cuts are putting nearly half of the 5,000 Statistics Canada employees at risk of losing their jobs. What’s your say? “Here’s hoping they get rid of all three…
Dejected Rob Ford builds model subway line linking basement rec room to basement storage room
TORONTO – Despite pleas from all his sane family members not to go through with it, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has invested thousands of household dollars to build a model subway line linking h…
Closing of local Tim Hortons finally convinces residents their town is horrible
CORNWALL, ON – Tim Hortons closed its only Cornwall branch earlier this week, causing locals to suddenly realize how terrible their hometown is. “I don’t think we can recover from thi…
Parents can’t decide who favourite kid is
WINNIPEG, MA – After discussing the matter at length, Becky and Ricky Calder are still unable to decide which of their two kids is their favourite. “Jenny’s got a lot going for her in the l…
Mitt Romney divorces wife to marry corporation
MANCHESTER, N.H. – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced he is divorcing his wife of 40 years to marry a corporation with whom he has had a love affair over the last seven…
North Korea looking for used rockets on Craigslist
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – Following their failed rocket launch two weeks ago, North Korea’s scientists are scrapping their research and development program to concentrate on obtaining a work…
Real life friendship devolves into Facebook friendship
TORONTO – A six-year friendship between former college roommates Stefan Gelko, 27, and Nick Shobel, 26, has recently devolved into a relationship existing solely in Facebook form, a concerned Gel…
Mean glee club rules school with iron jazz hands
OTTAWA – A new menace walks a syncopated beat at Mallory Weiss High School in the form of the Mallory Weiss High School Glee club. Formed only 6 months ago, the “Mean Tones” hav…
Fourth grader quits school to set off for better life
KITCHENER, ON – Fed up with the 9-3 grind, fourth grader Tim Eldow has decided to call it quits and search for a better life. “The whole lifestyle just wasn’t doing it for me anymore,” the …
Yo-Yo trick fails to impress in-laws
CALGARY – A complicated yo-yo trick failed to impress Joel Steadman’s in-laws during Easter dinner this weekend. “I nailed a ‘Reverse Double or Nothing’ and got no reaction from Ellen’s par…
