How to shed your sunburnt skin like a sexy little snake

Summer is s-s-sizzlin’ this year with many a heatwave warning! If you spent some time soaking up the sun this past weekend or if you have plans to crisp up that epidermis next weekend, here’s how…

Man eating Tim Hortons poutine hopefully going through a breakup or something

OAKVILLE – Visitors to a local Tim Hortons franchise were disturbed and appalled to see resident Thomas McNaughton eating one of Tim’s new poutines, a decision they truly hoped was the resu…

History students 50 years from now pretty sure they would have helped hide immigrants

OTTAWA — History students studying at Sir Andrew Scheer High School in the year 2068 have all agreed that, had they been around during the Trump Years, they probably would have helped hide immigr…

Man suffering heat stroke told not to complain about the heat because it often snows in January

TORONTO – Local man Kevin Meyer, debilitated by the effects of high temperatures, has been repeatedly told by friends and family not to complain about the heat because several months from n…

Scarlett Johansson’s portrayal of trans man considered frontrunner for Best Actress at 2014 Oscars

HOLLYWOOD – The controversial casting of Scarlett Johansson as a trans man in the film Rub & Tug has placed her as the favourite to win the Best Actress award at the 2014 Academy Awards…

Heroic activists convince sexually-harassed woman to come forward by regular-harassing her

OTTAWA – New ground was broken for women in Canada this week, after a team of heroic journalists and politicians convinced a woman groped by the Prime Minister to publicly identify herself follow…

BC mulls updating singing bowl tsunami-warning system

SALT SPRING ISLAND, BC – The British Columbia government is considering updating the province’s tsunami warning system, which consists mostly of New Age white people sounding their Tibetan …

Local small business obviously former Pizza Hut

HALIFAX, NS – Despite now exclusively serving medicines and convenient retail goods, members of the community said that Lee’s Pharmacy on Walt St. is obviously a former Pizza Hut on Sunday,…

Producers of SLĀV cancel show to concentrate on new revue of songs of oppressed white people

MONTREAL – Singer Betty Bonifassi and director Robert Lepage have cancelled the remaining performances of SLĀV, a showcase of slave songs performed and directed primarily by white people, a…

Trump demands Scott Pruitt resignation citing insufficient corruption

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump has demanded the resignation of EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt, claiming Pruitt had not shown enough commitment to personal enrichment and graft. De…