Page 48 – The Beaverton

“Democrats better get their shit together before the 2028 election,” says adorable friend who thinks there’s going to be a 2028 election

Kincardine, ON – Local man Allan Terry has expressed his belief that the Democrats need to improve their messaging and policy efforts if they want to win the next Presidential election, charming...

A young white man with long dreadlocks in a green t-shirt and black sweatpants sits crosslegged on a mat in a meadow in front of a forested area, meditating with his eyes closed and his hands pressed together in front of his chest in a prayer pose. In the top left corner of the image, there's an insert of a $25 Amazon gift card.

Mystical ayahuasca experience concludes with survey for chance to win $25 Amazon gift card

SLOCAN, BC — Life coach Skye Morgan reported that the mystical healing experience she had at an ayahuasca retreat last weekend concluded with an unexpected element: a survey qualifying her to win a $2...

Huh! Every woman on bus sobbing

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“I can’t believe anyone would vote for Trump,” says smug Canadian man planning to vote for Poilievre

OTTAWA – A smug man from Canada wasted no time this morning chastising Americans for re-electing terrifying liar and felon Donald Trump, despite the fact that he plans to vote for terrifying lia...

Trudeau suggests now might actually be a great time to retire

OTTAWA – Following the re-election of US President Donald J. Trump, Canadian PM Justin Trudeau immediately suggested that now might be a great time to step down as Liberal party leader and let s...

American Experiment ends in catastrophic laboratory explosion

WASHINGTON D.C. – After almost 250 years of data-gathering, the American experiment has ended in a catastrophic laboratory explosion. “I don’t understand what went wrong!” sighed the facility’s ...

World holds its breath as North Carolina elects new agriculture commissioner

RALEIGH – Hundreds of millions of onlookers worldwide have turned their eyes to North Carolina, where international journalists have been embedded for weeks to report on every twist and turn of the st...

Canada turns off all lights in hopes US will think we’re not home

OTTAWA – With Americans voting today to determine the next President of the United States, every single Canadian has announced plans to keep their lights shut off in hopes that they will not get...

Perfectionist police officer beats biracial man halfway to death

TORONTO, ON ― Local Toronto Police Service officer Jeremy Moriarty took great care during an initially routine traffic stop this week to unnecessarily escalate the situation to a degree of violence ex...

Self-identified independent announces dinner preference of “I don’t know, whatever you don’t want”

HARRISBURG, PA ― Undecided voter and self-described “non-partisan skeptical moderate” Deannah Sole has announced that, in the rapidly approaching election for tonight’s meal, which is locked in a dead...