The Beaverton

Answering your questions about the Ostrich story your uncle won’t stop posting about

Conservative MP thinking of crossing floor wakes up with severed head of a John A. Macdonald statue in his bed

Mark Carney giving a speech in front of Canadian flags

Carney reduces Trudeau’s tree planting program from 2 billion trees to 2

Nation’s therapists know what they’re going to be talking about this week

Rogers execs on Sportsnet+ World Series crash: “You can’t expect a streaming service that only costs $30 a month to work every time”

Canada cool with one group of temporary foreign workers

Straw man is idiot

By conservative voice of reason Dan Stapleton There’s a lot of pearl clutching by the ultra-liberal left about my supposedly controversial opinions, but it only takes a little bit of fact checkin…

Scientists confused, concerned after local man finishes spring mix salad pack before it gets gross

Thunder Bay, ON – Researchers at Lakehead University are baffled and more than a little distressed after discovering that local man Hunter Braddock finished an entire Spring Mix Salad packa…

Man with eyepatch tired of people assuming he’s interesting

BARRIE, ON – Local everyman Paul Huller is reportedly fed up with the misconception that he lives an exciting life due to the fact he wears an eyepatch. “I honestly don’t know where people …

Premier Ford injures hands from repetitive finger-wagging

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford was sent to the emergency room after injuring both hands from repetitive finger-wagging during a recent COVID-19 press conference. Ford’s two index finge…

Government promises to fulfill promises it promised five years ago

OTTAWA – In a speech from the throne opening the new session of Parliament, the Liberal Party outlined their plan to get around to doing what they promised five years ago. “We’re so sorry, …

Wall adjacent to Breonna Taylor’s apartment grateful for justice to have been served

LOUISVILLE, KY – After a botched narcotics raid resulted in the murder of 26-year-old EMT Breonna Taylor this March, a grand jury announced today that ex-officer Brett Hankison would face three c…