Bringing back a classic: this year’s summer bop is Handel’s Messiah

TORONTO – As millions of Canadians go about their summer, the strains of George Frideric Handel’s Messiah are providing a backdrop to countless barbeques, pool parties, and weekends at the cabin.…

Local vet boops a third of your savings account after routine check-up

NAPANEE – A recent trip to the vet has drained hundreds of absolute units from your bank account after it was confirmed your furbaby was in perfect health.  The vet was heckin’ thrilled to …

US Supreme Court rules women have no right to abortion because fetus could grow up to be gun owner

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a 5-4 decision the U.S. Supreme Court reversed Roe v. Wade yesterday, holding that women could not be allowed to have abortions because some of the babies would likely …

Rogers releases rainbow coloured $600 cellphone bill for Pride

TORONTO – As Pride Month heats up and companies across Canada express their support for the LGBTQ+ community, one of Canada’s largest telecom providers has rolled out their latest pride mon…

All guns reclassified as Chekhov’s guns

OTTAWA – Following a new survey that found that 99.9% of firearms turn out to be important to the plot, the Federal government has issued a nationwide reclassification of all privately owne…

Weird gas station calls them “Sloovies”

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Canadian women rest easy in the knowledge misogyny uniquely American problem

OTTAWA – Across the nation, women are reacting to today’s horrifying news that the U.S. Supreme Court has struck down Roe v. Wade with compassion for their American counterparts, but are taking c…

Centrist gazelle pauses to consider cheetah’s point of view

BOTSWANA – Marvin Shuttleworth, a three-year-old gazelle who proudly describes himself as a centrist, paused while being pursued by a cheetah in order to consider the predator’s point of vi…

Lightning devastated to learn Refs can work against them too

Tampa Bay, FL – In the wake of Nazem Kadri’s game winning goal for the Avalanche in Game 4 of the Stanley Cup finals being allowed despite the Avs having too many men on the ice, Tamp…

OP-ED: You wearing a mask actually is infringing on my freedom by making me feel guilty and selfish

NOTE: The author of this op-ed has requested to remain anonymous (But not because I’m not proud of my opinion, okay?) I am a man of principle. It’s important to stick up for what you believe and …