How to go through the five stages of grief before meeting up with your friend who didn’t cancel

There is literally nothing better than cancelling plans. Seriously. If you look up the word “orgasm” in the dictionary, it’s just a picture of someone texting, “Sorry, can we reschedule?” Unfortu…

Breaking: Some sort of entirely futile climate conference happening again

A LARGE CITY WE DIDN’T BOTHER TO LOOK UP ― World leaders are once again convening to draw up a set of ambitious promises they definitely won’t fulfill, toothless goals which wouldn’t do much anyw…

Freak! This guy actually enjoys fruitcakes

EDMONTON, AB – Local weirdo, Felix Bonner, 36, recently told his co-workers that despite its horrible vomit-like taste, he actually enjoys fruitcakes. “It’s just a nice blend of sweetness a…

Twitter bans replying ‘lol’ to any joke not made by Elon Musk

SAN FRANCISCO – Twitter announced a surprising change to its Terms of Use today, informing users that replying ‘lol’, ‘lmao’, ‘haha’, and any variant thereof to any account othe…

Poilievre excited to show off his new Trump NFT trading cards during House of Commons recess

OTTAWA – As Canada’s federal legislators prepare to return home for their six-week winter break, the leader of the Conservative Party was seen running out of the House of Commons chamber to…

Experts warn a US rail strike could’ve lead to shortage of hobo tall tales

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of a near walkout by the US’s railway workers, experts have advised that an industry-wide strike would’ve led to supply chain disruptions of fun but exaggerat…

Twitter bans journalists for failing to report on how much Elon Musk supports free speech

SAN FRANCISCO – Several prominent journalists have found their Twitter accounts permanently suspended under grounds that they spent insufficient time reporting on how Twitter CEO Elon Musk …

Apartment building named “Regency Landing” appoints Maintenance Viscount to fix leaking shitter pipes

VICTORIA — Proctor Properties Inc has recently appointed George William Sherston-Phipps Tollemache Montesquieu III of Roxborough as its Maintenance Viscount for the Regency Landing apartment buil…

Danielle Smith apologizes for “thoughtless” remark she is about to make

EDMONTON – After apologizing to First Nations, Ukrainian-Canadians and the vaccinated, Danielle Smith today issued a new apology to anyone who was hurt by the comments she is about to make.…

Good night’s sleep allows woman to be more present in her shitty life

HAMILTON, ON – The secret to being fully present in your miserable existence? Local life coach, June Funda, says it’s all about prioritizing a good night’s sleep.  “It’s hard to focus on how ever…