TORONTO – Canada’s largest city released an updated affordable housing plan this morning, the highlight of which was a policy to make new condo developers staple two or three burlap hammocks to the sides of their luxury buildings.
The plan, which came in the form of a glossy 48-page document entitled “Riding the Breeze: Making Space for Affordable Space in our City Spaces”, was the brainchild of the city’s interim mayor, Jennifer McKelvie.
Mayor McKelvie spoke with admiration about the plan. “So often, amid the sea of cranes building seven-figure studio apartments, we forget that not everyone can afford to live in this great city. So it’s with gratitude that I announce that we managed to convince the developers, after months of intense negotiation, to go down to Fabricland, buy a roll of burlap, and staple some between balconies every few floors to fashion a crude hammock.”
The plan became fodder for mayoral candidates during their afternoon speaking engagements. Brad Bradford asked the audience at the Chamber of Commerce what they’d like to see and came away with “Hammocks must be bought at Shoppers” on a cocktail napkin.
The new plan was not met with enthusiasm by the real estate lobby. Spokesperson Gilda St James issued a statement saying, “Whenever government tries to tell private business how to spend its money, you end up with waste. Do you know how much hammocks cost? And paint cans to tie to those hammocks for our freeloaders to store their possessions?”
Still, the developers of many downtown condos quickly pivoted to include the new plan in their marketing pitch. “It’s great because we can put a much lower starting price on our signage to lure people in,” said John Regher of Matheny Homes, whose lakefront building now references the city-mandated hammocks.
“It’s everything you’d ever want from downtown living: nightlife, fresh air, birdshit up your nose, and more,” claims the copy for Mr Regher’s new build, where workers could be seen leaning out a fifteen-story window with a staple gun.
The hammocks are expected to sell for $679,000 each. There is already a four-year waitlist.