SAN FRANCISCO – After Tesla CEO and richest man alive Elon Musk’s bid to buy controlling shares of Twitter succeeded, the app subsequently burst into flames and began ramming nearby pedestr…
Tech
Netflix cracks down on password sharing to help users let go of their ex
LOS GATOS, CALIFORNIA – The online streaming service Netflix has announced their intention to discourage different people from making use of the same account in an effort to get users to fi…
Dad’s phone apparently only has ability to check stock market and send thumbs up emoji
KITCHENER, ON – Laylah Peel, 27, recently realized after a quick text conversation with her father, Arnold Peel, that his company issued Google Pixel must only have the ability to send the …
“Zuckerberg has too much power” says billionaire who vacations in space
VANCOUVER – Noted space vacationer and inventor of the world’s doucheiest car Elon Musk publicly criticized Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg for holding too much social and political influe…
Long distance friendships reduced to periodic “don’t fuck him” texts
WORLDWIDE: Long distance friendships around the world have been reduced to periodically sending each other “don’t fuck him” and “yeah, also not him” texts. “When I moved to Canada, my best friend…
Toronto is now North America’s Third-Largest Tech Douchebag Hub
TORONTO, ON – Citizens were overjoyed when earlier this week, the New York Times ranked Toronto as North America’s third-largest hub of tech douchebags, nouveau riche jerkoffs, and self-imp…
Peaches vow to use your face as butt emoji
NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE – Thousands of peaches rolled down Queen Street to protest their famous emoji, which they claim is a lewd depiction of their community. Demonstrators held signs with the…
Engineer who graduated ten years ago discovers traces of purple paint behind ear
TORONTO – An engineer who graduated a full decade ago has discovered he still has a bit of purple paint behind his ear. Cole Sterling was just a bright-eyed and moderately drunk engineering stude…
Apple unveils single-use Macbook with zero ports
CUPERTINO — At today’s much anticipated Apple Event, Tim Cook stunned viewers by introducing their first-ever single-use Macbook, dubbed the Macbook Zero. During his Keynote address, Cook address…
Vaccine Hunters Canada pivots to searching for PS5s
NATIONWIDE – Canadian heroes Vaccine Hunters Canada have changed their twitter mission, this time in search of PlayStation 5s. “Vaccine Hunters Canada was born out of an urgent need to provide Ca…