MILANO-CORTINA – With Canada’s mens team defeating Great Britain to clinch gold in the Winter Olympics, Canadian skip Brad Jacobs is crediting the victory to his team’s delicate…
Sports
Hockey Canada ordered to pay nation’s therapy bills
MILAN – After causing the nation 3 straight days of what can only be described as “holy shit, holy shit, I’m going to lose my god damn mind” levels of stress at the Olympi…
Doubles Luge canceled as Olympics runs out of condoms
CORTINA, ITALY — Following the news that the 2026 Milano Cortina Winter Olympics had run out of condoms, the International Olympic Committee was forced to call off the doubles luge event. “Today …
CBC Gem crashes due to Canadians using it
TORONTO – With record numbers of Canadians viewing the Winter Olympic Games on CBC Gem, the streaming platform experienced several outages due to what’s being called “an unprecedented number of p…
USA wins gold at Super Bowl
SANTA CLARA, CA – Team USA is triumphantly announcing their third gold medal since the start of the Milano-Cortina Winter Olympics, in the much-watched Super Bowl event. “No other cou…
Buck Martinez announces he is getting up, getting out of here, and gone
ROGERS CENTRE BROADCAST BOOTH – After spending over four decades with the Blue Jays as a player, manager, and announcer, Buck Martinez announced this morning that he would officially be get…
Blue Jays to honour the moment Joe Carter chose a Rogers phone plan
TORONTO – The Toronto Blue Jays have announced plans to honour franchise legend Joe Carter with a statue depicting the iconic moment when Carter locked in a 100 GB mobile plan for himself and up …
Hockey fans rip into Team Canada’s Olympic roster before sitting down to read it
KINGSTON, ON – Seconds after Hockey Canada announced its men’s Olympic roster, fans nationwide expressed outrage at the players they assumed were chosen. “From the moment I read ‘Canada announce…
“This is totally the World Juniors” says woman trying to trick her boyfriend into watching Heated Rivalry
SUDBURY, ON – Local girlfriend Ashlynn Timbers is currently monitoring her boyfriend as he watches the program she told him was the World Juniors Hockey Tournament, but is in fact the steam…
Canadian economy rallies as #1 export now Heated Rivalry
OTTAWA – Canada’s economy, which has spent the year reeling due to American tariffs, is finishing strong thanks to the country’s new chief export, the gay hockey-romance drama H…
