CALGARY – Joe Francis, who has spent the last four years of his life in a state of unconsciousness following a traumatic brain injury, woke up this week and is very enthusiastic about getti…
Politics
5 great excuses for not voting in the Federal election, you piece of shit
OTTAWA – The Federal election is upon us, and projections show that the Millennial demographic wields considerable power to decide the future Prime Minister. You’re going to need a better excuse …
NDP candidate unsure who she’ll vote for
SYDNEY-HANTS, NS – A Nova Scotia NDP candidate is still undecided on which party she will vote for in the federal election. Marlene Campbell, a human rights activist and lawyer, said she ha…
Starbucks scrambles to launch new drink for impeachment season
SEATTLE – Executives at Starbucks Coffee Company are working overtime to create a new drink to herald in impeachment season for U.S. President Donald Trump. Following the news that Trump ac…
Scheer: We must stop erasing Canadian history by learning about all of it
OTTAWA – During a campaign announcement that promised free attendance at Canadian museums, Conservative leader Andrew Scheer lamented the fact that political correctness is destroying Canad…
All political parties admit their opponents won the debate
GATINEAU, QC – In a rare display of self-reflection, the Liberals, Conservatives, NDP, Greens, Bloc and People’s Party admitted that their opponents fared much better in the federal leaders…
Party leaders spar over Canada’s only province of Quebec
GATINEAU, QC – Canada’s six party leaders took to the podiums last night to debate the most important issues facing their province in the minority language of English. Making up 100% of the…
Update: Scheer kept US citizenship secret for fear of being persecuted as a white American man
REGINA – Conservative leader Andrew Scheer said that he kept his US citizenship a secret until now for fear of being persecuted as a white heterosexual male from the United States. “I didn’…
Conservatives vow to cut $2.2 billion of foreign aid to Middle-earth
OTTAWA – Conservative leader Andrew Scheer further outlined his foreign aid policies by announcing a $2.2 billion cut to Middle-earth, roughly 25% of Canada’s foreign assistance to other co…
Hamilton pleads for political demonstrators to save their violence for a Ti-Cats game
HAMILTON, ON – After a scuffle and screaming match in Hamilton yesterday, community leaders have asked local political demonstrators to reserve their hate and transgressions for a Tiger-Cat…
