TORONTO – Elementary school students across Ontario have begun to protest the province’s updated health and physical education curriculum, expressing concern that their parents aren’t “mentally d…
National
Victorious NDP dump barrel of crude on Rachel Notley
CALGARY – NDP staffers gathered around the newly elected Alberta NDP premiere Rachel Notley to celebrate her momentous underdog victory by pouring a barrel of fine crude over her head. “We fought…
Bill, Roy, and Chad concede defeat as Dale elected new premier of PEI
CHARLOTTETOWN, PEI – After a gruelling campaign that led candidates from the dock all the way to the old barn, Bill, Roy, and Chad have called it quits, and Dale has been elected Premier of…
Ethics watchdog bribes MPs to reduce corruption
OTTAWA – After fruitlessly trying to get MPs to vote in favour of tighter conflict of interest rules, Ethics Commissioner Mary Dawson has decided to ‘grease the wheels a little bit’. “I did…
Stephen Harper’s granddaughter travels through time to warn nation
OTTAWA – At 10:03 this morning, a flash of light appeared on Parliament Hill producing the glowing white aura of a young woman claiming to be the granddaughter of Prime Minister Stephen Har…
Feds release balanced budget after cutting 20% of population
OTTAWA – Despite initial fears that the Conservatives would be unable to balance the 2015 budget, finance minister Joe Oliver has managed to scrape together a small surplus, after promising…
Ontario enters late-19th century with beer sales at grocery stores
TORONTO – The Ontario government’s decision to change liquor laws and permit the sale of beer in grocery stores will put the progressive province on par with the laws from the 1890s. “While…
Update: Mike Duffy bills taxpayers for legal fees
OTTAWA – One week into his trial for financial misconduct, Conservative Senator Mike Duffy has attempted to bill his Senate expense account for legal fees. “I figured that this trial would …
Yukon RCMP investigating why man assaulted by police officer wasn’t shot
WHITEHORSE – Yukon RCMP are investigating an incident caught on video showing one of their members inside a home assaulting a man and not shooting him. “This is a disturbing video,” said Sg…
‘We told you so’ clean up underway in Vancouver’s English Bay
VANCOUVER – In what every Vancouver resident has said was an “utterly predictable eventuality,” one of the tankers that line English Bay has leaked tons of “we totally saw…
